


Mistakes

by GalacticallyNonbinary



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Self Harm, self hatred, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 16:22:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11039859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalacticallyNonbinary/pseuds/GalacticallyNonbinary
Summary: A long day and a single mistake are all it takes to send Logan spiraling down.Trigger warning for self harm





	1. Chapter 1

Sure, Anxiety had anxiety attacks, that was to be expected. The other three sides had ways of dealing with him, making sure he didn't dissociate, and above all, keeping the panic away from Thomas. Even Morality had broken down a few times, sharing his stress with the others who comforted him as best they could. And proud Roman. On one or two occasions, he had admitted to not being as strong as he appeared, and the others assured him that he was loved. That left Logic. He ran like clockwork, never taking breaks. One would assume that he would break down eventually, and yet he never did.

At least, not that the others had seen.

Unbeknownst to them, he was constantly stressed, worried, terrified even.

A long day, full of paperwork for Thomas would mean overtime for Logic. He didn't mind it too much, the work had a calming effect. Roman had checked out at the beginning of the day, knowing he wouldn't be needed for a little while. As Logan worked far into the night, Patton checked in plenty of times to make sure that everything was going alright and that Thomas wasn't losing moral. Anxiety showed up and stuck around for a while, reminding Logan and Thomas how late it was, how many more papers he still had to fill out, and every mistake they could possibly make. 

Even later into the night, Anxiety eventually got tired, wished them both good luck, (Logan assumed it was sarcasm) and headed up to his room. 

Once Logic had finally finished, he headed up to his own bed, and sighed happily, another day's work done. 

Anxiety had only been asleep for a few minutes before he woke up and headed to the kitchen for some hot chocolate in hopes of helping him sleep. As he did, he thought about all he had seen while Logan and Thomas worked on the papers. The more he thought, the more he felt as if something was off. What if something was off? Had Logan or Thomas made a mistake? What would happen then? Nervously, he tapped his fingers on his shaking leg. As he did, he felt Thomas wake up.

"Oh no..."

His own worries had seeped into Thomas' thoughts, and now Thomas couldn't get back to sleep for fear of having done his papers wrong. Guiltily, Anxiety felt himself being summoned into the physical plane.

"Hell of a time for you to do this Anxiety."

"Whatever. You want me to wake up Logan or what?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

Thomas pulled himself out of bed as Anxiety sank back into his own world. Darting down the hall, he approached Logic's room and rushed inside, waking the sleeping Logan.

"Sorry Logan."

"What happened?"

"Well I was worried about what could happen if you had gotten something on the paperwork wrong, and then because I was worried Thomas was worried, and then he woke up, and now he wants to double check everything, so he's going to need you."

Logan sighed. 

"Thanks for telling me. Go ahead back to sleep, please."

Anxiety nodded, and left Logan to do his job.

Logan, still on his bed, put on his glasses and let himself be summoned into the physical world next to Thomas. The two wordlessly worked, checking and rechecking everything. Suddenly, Logan stopped, and his hand shook, the paper in his hand fluttering like a leaf. 

"Logan? Are you alright?"

"I did make a mistake."

"Well that's fine, here, lets fix it."

"Thomas, I made a mistake."

"Hey, it's fine, everyone makes mistakes-"

"Everyone but me!"

Logan's whole body was shaking now, and Thomas was scared by the amount of emotion coming out of the normally apathetic trait. 

"I'm supposed to be perfectly on task! Logical, analytical. Thomas, I don't make mistakes!"

Thomas was unsure how to approach the scared and shaking Logan, but he reached his hand out.

"Is it okay if I-"

"No!"

Logic, still shaking, straightened his tie.

"I'm...I'm...f-fine. L-let's ju- just get b-b-back to work."

"Logan, you're stuttering a lot, are you sure-"

"I'm s-s-sure. I'm. F-fi-fine."

Thomas eyed him suspiciously, but didn't push him farther, and helped him fix the small mistake.

Finally, for a second time that day, they were done. Logan was back in his room but could not sleep. He wasn't supposed to mess up. He could've ruined everything if it hadn't been for Anxiety. 

On his bedside table there was a discarded pin from an abandoned sewing project Patton had forced him to start. His trembling hand reached out, and took the small but sharp object. 

Looking at his wrist, Logan swiped the pin across his skin, lightly. The bright red mark lasted only for a moment, as did the unexpectedly sharp pain. Then, he did it again.

This is what you deserve. You made a mistake, you get punished. 

He slid the pin back and forth over the same spot, watching the red line on his skin turn darker and then watching it bleed. He moved down and repeated the actions. By the end of the night, three nearly identical cuts ran along Logan's pale arm. He placed the pin back into its spot on his table, and fell into a fitful sleep. 

When he woke up, Logan winced at the pain of the blanket against his wrist. He liked looking at the red lines, still raw on his skin. They were all the same length, a perfectly matching set. He stared at them silently, not leaving his bed.

Downstairs, everyone was troubled. Morality was always first to awaken, wanting to make sure Thomas got a bright start to his day. Usually Logan came second, setting out the list of things to do. Anxiety would follow, reminding everyone just how many things on Logic's list wouldn't ever get done, and finally Roman would glide into the room, sending Thomas' imagination and creativity whirling. 

Morality was a little worried when Logan didn't come down at his usual time, but dismissed the thought, reminding himself just how hard Logan had worked yesterday. Anxiety came down, ready for Logan to be upset with him for getting Thomas worried for no good reason. Instead, he met Morality's concerned eyes.

"Have you seen Logan?"

"No, thought he would be down here already."

Morality frowned, stirring his coffee with a little more vigor than he needed.

Finally, Roman ran in, singing and smiling, but stopped when he saw the worried faces of Morality and Anxiety. 

"What's the matter? Where's Logan?"

Morality frowned.

"That's exactly what we've been wondering." 

Then, all three traits felt themselves being summoned. They appeared, looking into Thomas' confused face.

"Where's Logan? I thought I summoned him too."

Patton nervously looked around, then turned to Thomas.

"Oh, you remember how hard he worked kiddo! He's up in his room, sleeping the day away. We'll wake him up for you!"

Thomas looked, unsure if he should share the outburst from last night. As he looked at Morality's nervous smile, Princey's unsure frown, and Anxiety's concerned eyes, he realized he couldn't. Not without asking Logan first. 

"Well...thanks guys..."

"Always happy to be of assistance!"

"You got it kiddo!"

"Whatever."

They sank back into Thomas' mind, even more worried than before.

"He didn't come when he was summoned! Patton, what could this mean?"

"I'm...I'm not sure. One of us needs to go talk to him though..."

Anxiety scoffed.

"I'd probably make whatever's happening worse than it already is."

"And honestly, I'd end up arguing with him."

Patton sighed. It was up to him.

Princey touched his shoulder.

"We'll be right out in the hallway if you need us."

Anxiety gave Patton his attempt at a reassuring look, and Patton headed into Logan's room. 

"Logan?"

Hearing the footsteps enter his room, he had dashed under the covers. He wasn't wearing long sleeves, and didn't want to worry anyone, especially the sweet and innocent Morality. Logic pretended that he was sleeping as Patton flipped on the lights and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Logan, c'mon, gotta get up kiddo."

Logan opened his eyes and moved to give Patton more room, being careful to keep his arm under the blankets.

"Oh, sorry Patton. I've been asleep. I guess yesterday tired me out."

Patton looked at him, not believing he was simply tired. 

"You sure that's all it is buddy? You know you can talk to me.."

"I'm fine!"

Logan snapped. He just wanted Patton out of his room so that he wouldn't see the marks on his arm.

Outside of the room, Anxiety and Roman looked at each other, surprised by Logan's outburst. A few moments later, Patton walked out, frowning.

"Is he okay?"

"I don't think so, but you know Logan. Never tells anyone anything about his emotions."

All three sighed.

"He is getting ready though. He insisted that I leave before he would get out of bed."

"That's...weird."

Logan was pulling his shirt over his arms, liking the sting of his cuts against the fabric.

The pain is a reminder. A reminder of how you fucked up. Reminding you to not make mistakes. You're useless if you aren't perfect, so right now, you're useless.

A gentle tugging at his shoulder told him he was being summoned, and he finished buttoning his shirt before appearing in front of Thomas.

"Logan, what's going on? This isn't like you."

"Just tired Thomas. I'll get back to work immediately."

He started to sink away, but Thomas held out a hand to stop him.

"Logan, you need to tell them about what happened last night."

"I made a mistake. I will certainly work harder, but the others really don't need to know."

"No, about you...shaking. It's obvious there's a problem, and I'm sure they could help you fix it."

"They don't need to know!"

"Tell them Logan."

As Logan began to sink away, he looked at Thomas' tired eyes.

"Please Logan..."

He appeared back in the central room and went back to his job.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logic is too pure for this im sorry

The pin had become a sort of habit for Logan. For almost four months now, every night he would scratch it against his skin. Sometimes opening up old scars, sometimes creating new ones. No one really seemed to notice. He even traced the pin along his thighs, creating swirling patterns of cuts that stung against the rough fabric of his pants. 

Sometimes, he would even carry the pin with him, and absent-mindedly reach into his sleeve, scratching a small circle on his wrist. No one really noticed, as he never broke with routine again. He was tired and a bit sadder, sure, but he could blame that on Thomas' ever-growing list of responsibilities.  
After stressful days like that first one, when he had used the pin for the first time, Logan would climb into bed and softly cry as he created new scars. On one such day, Logan worked alone in the office area of Thomas' mind. Thomas needed a break, like a daydream, so Roman was headed down the stairs. Logan didn't realize that Roman was coming down the steps, and didn't hear him sit down on the floor and begin coloring. 

Finally, Logan was done. He had gotten into the habit now of checking his work for errors. There hadn't ever been any others since that first mistake, but he couldn't be too careful. Then, as he combed through the pages and pages of work, he stopped. 

A mistake.

You worthless horrible thing. This is unbelievable, another mistake? Thomas hates you for doing this to him. Anxiety hates that he has to worry about your work. Morality pretends to be nice, but you know how much you annoy him. And Princey knows truly how much of a failure you are. You'll never be like him, never the cool guy, or the guy that helps Thomas so much. You're a failure.

His hands shook, still grasping the papers. Roman turned when he heard the rustling of pages. He saw a silent Logan, sitting in his chair, shaking all over, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

"Logan!"

He jumped at the mention of his name. Upon seeing Roman, he stood on shakey knees, planning to run to his room, but his feet were not under him, and Logan collapsed to the floor in a pile of paper and tears.

"Logan, can I put my hand on you?"

Logan managed a small nod, but when Roman placed his arm around Logan's shoulders, he shrank away, wishing to escape. 

"Can you talk?"

Logan knew that he probably could, but he also knew his speech would come out in stuttered fragments. Already, Roman had seen him sob. What would he do when he heard Logan's stutter that presented itself in times of panic?

He'd laugh, that's what he'd do. The two things you're supposed to do are be smart and talk smart. You're on the floor because you made another mistake, so you're not being smart. Now, if you stutter your way through this, you won't talk smart either. You'll just be a failure. A big, sobbing mess of a failure. Princey will laugh. Anxiety will laugh. Morality will laugh. Even Thomas will laugh at you, you big waste of space, mess up, failure...

"Logan! C'mon, I need you to stay with me."

"S-s-sorry."

And there's the god damn stutter. You moron. He's going to laugh at you...

And yet Roman hadn't noticed. 

"Patton! Anxiety! Guys!"

He was unsure how to help the distressed Logan. 

"I'm...so s-s-sorry P-p-pr-prin-princey."

"Hey, hey shhh. It's okay Logan, it'll all be okay." 

Both of them heard footsteps running into the room, and Roman looked at the two traits standing there, shocked.

"I don't know how to help him!"

Patton quickly ran over to the shaking Logan, and took him out of Roman's arms into his own. 

"Logan, hey, what do you want us to do? Glass of water? Blanket? Pillow?"

"I-I w-w-want..."

Logan trailed off and the tears came down faster.

"I'm s-so s-so-sorry fo-for the-the st-st-stutt-stutter."

Logan looked at the ground, prepared to be laughed at for his speech.

Failure. This is why you deserve to be in pain.

Surprisingly, Anxiety spoke first.

"Hey, Lo. We can stay here all night if we need to. Go ahead, take your time. We'll listen to you."

"R-r-rea-really?"

Princey nodded, placing a hand on Logan's shoulder and straightening his glasses.

"Of course."

"Absolutely kiddo."

Logan took a deep breath.

"I'm-I'm sorry f-for being so-so h-h-horrible."

"You're not horrible Logan,"

Princey reassured him.

Lies.

"I just-just- k-keep making m-mi-mistakes and I'm s-such a sc-screwup and I'm s-sorry and I know T-Thomas hates me and y-you all too and I'm sorry f-for making you d-de-deal with m-me."

Anxiety was unsure how to respond.

"Logan..."

Patton jumped in.

"Hey, buddy, we don't hate you. And Thomas definitely doesn't hate you!"

Lies.

"B-but I'm so a-awful..."

Princey looked at Logan's eyes.

"If we hated you, why would we be here right now, making sure you're okay?"

Anxiety nodded.

"And if we hated you, why would we promise to stay here all night and listen to you?"

Logan took a shakey breath and slowly nodded. 

"I g-guess that m-makes sense."

"C'mon kiddo, let's get you to your room."

Patton reached out to Logan's arm, starting to pull him to his feet, but the second his hand made contact with Logan's wrist, Logan yelped in pain.

You're in trouble now you pathetic mess.

Anxiety was the first to understand what the yelp meant, then realization dawned on Princey, and Morality's eyes widened as he realized.

Logan knew that they knew. He could at least stop them from seeing. He jumped to his feet and rushed to the stairs, but ran headfirst into Roman who grabbed him by the waist. There was no way he could escape.

It's because you're weak.

Patton looked at the struggling Logan, and slowly walked over.

"We need to see how bad it is."

They'll see how pathetic you are.

Logan wanted to fight, but he was just too tired. He slumped into Roman's arms, and shut his eyes, not wanting to see their reactions. The fabric of his sleeve was slowly pulled up over his cuts, and he winced, feeling the more recent ones open up and begin to bleed.

A bloody crying mess. That's exactly what you are.

He heard a small gasp from Roman. He then heard footsteps leaving the room.

They're already leaving you. They hate you because of how much of a failure you are.

Anxiety's fingers gently brushed the cuts.

"Oh Logan..."

Oh Logan you're such a loser. Oh Logan you're such a screwup. Oh Logan...

The faucet in the kitchen was quietly turned on. A few moments later, Logan opened his eyes to see Patton walk in, carrying a damp washcloth. 

It was rubbed softly against his wrist, cleaning up the dried blood and the cuts that still oozed. Now that blood stained them, the first three scars looked less perfect and uniform and more ugly and evil. 

Patton turned to Anxiety as he finished washing up the cuts and said something too quiet for Logan to hear. Anxiety nodded and headed up the stairs.

Roman carefully let go of Logan and let him sit on the ground in front of Patton. Once the cuts on his arm were cleaned, Patton met Logan's gaze.

"Are there cuts anywhere else?"

No.

"N-no."

Finally, you did something right.

Logan thought for a moment then sighed.

"M-my leg."

Moron.

Patton helped him out of the stiff black pants and looked at the cuts that started right below his boxers. The red, bleeding lines swirled in patterns around his upper thighs. Patton calmly went to work. 

Anxiety walked into the room, then whispered something to Morality, who sighed and stopped cleaning the cuts for a moment. 

"Logan?"

"Y-yes?"

"I need you to be honest with me. I sent Anxiety up to your room to get whatever it was you were using to do this, but he couldn't find anything. Where is it?"

Lie. Don't give it to them.

Princey looked at him, his normal confidence overtaken by sadness and concern. 

Lie.

Logan gulped.

Lie.

"I..."

Lie!

"Right here."

No! You fucking horrible waste...

Logan reached into the pocket of his pants that were lying on the floor, and pulled out a sharp pin, the point stained red.

Anxiety carefully grabbed it and pulled out a lighter from the pocket of his hoodie and held the pin to the flame. All four watched the pin slowly bend and then melt. They sat in silence for a few moments, and then Patton wrapped Logan in a tight hug. 

"You know we love you, right?"

Liar. They don't love-

"Yeah. I guess."

Roman smiled. 

"Good."

He wrapped his arms around both Patton and Logan. Slowly, Patton turned his head to Anxiety.

"Your turn!"

"What? Oh no. Nope. Not happening. I will never-"

And then he glanced down and saw the red scars littering Logan's arms and legs.

"Yeah. We love you. Whatever."

Patton squealed and grabbed Anxiety, forcing him to join the hug. 

"Ugh. I hate this."

Only Logan saw the small smile on Anxiety's face as he was pulled into the hug.


End file.
